On a sunny July afternoon two years ago, I saw my fiance become a groom and he saw me become a bride. My heart flew into my throat when I heard the orchestra start to play “Oceans,” the song we’d picked for me to walk down the aisle, because I knew this was the moment. I started crying the moment I saw him standing at the altar, and he actually started crying too. Even if he tries to deny it, our photographer caught it on camera. As we repeated our vows after the priest, my voice trembled. This was the moment.
I married the love of my life. Wow, the love of my life. Life. That’s a long time. That’s a big commitment. Till death do us part and all that jazz. In high school I used to agonize about who my soulmate was, when I’d meet him, and how I’d know he was “the one.” I used to worry about making a mistake, picking the wrong guy, saddling myself forever with someone who would continually break my heart.
Even when I started dating my husband at fifteen, I kept wondering how to know if he was the one. We dated through the rest of high school and college and I continued to wrestle with this question, waiting for some kind of certitude to settle over my heart and mind. The advice I kept seeing was “When you know, you know.”
And the crazy, annoying, ridiculously frustrating part is that is the best advice there is. If you don’t feel absolutely 100% certain about the man you’re with, do not walk down the aisle with him. If there are warning bells ringing in your head, sirens going off, even a subtle hesitation, he is not the one. Love gives certainty. If he’s the right man, you will know without a shadow of a doubt.
That said, I know that can still feel nebulous. So, let me break it down for you—here are five things to look for in a man who’s husband material. If any of these points make you pause, it’s time to take a deeper look.
- Attraction
Listing attraction as the number 1 thing to look out for might sound shallow, but allow me to clarify. If you are choosing to spend your life with this someone, there has to be chemistry. When I first met my husband, I thought he was handsome. Ten years later—after dating, engagement, and marriage—I still think he’s the best-looking guy out there. When we went on our first dates in high school, he gave me butterflies in my stomach and he still does that ten years later when we lock eyes across the table during date night. “Handsome” is a subjective word, but it needs to be one you would eagerly use to describe your man.
There is also an emotional component to attraction. I fell in love with my husband for his sense of humor, his athleticism, and his eagerness to debate me over complex topics. He is my favorite person to talk to and I love being around him. Different people are drawn to different things, but do you have chemistry with your guy? No matter how much time has passed, there should always be sparks.
- Respect
Respect is extremely important and the only reason I didn’t list it above attraction is because you shouldn’t marry a respectful person you aren’t attracted to. It doesn’t matter how good a person looks on paper if you have no chemistry with them. Chemistry is unquantifiable, but you can feel it when it’s there.
But when you’re picking a life partner, you want someone who will treat you with dignity, protect you, and value your input. I didn’t have the most formed idea of respect when my husband and I met in high school. I took for granted a lot of the small things he did to show me how much he cared about me. As our relationship deepened, I began to realize how unique our connection is and how no one had ever treated me the way my then boyfriend, now husband, did.
People make excuses for boys in high school and college and in so many stages of life. It’s true that we are always on a journey of growth and self-improvement, but a boy who can’t respect you in high school will not respect you when you’re both working busy full-time jobs or you’re newly postpartum. I knew my husband was the one because he never spoke down to me, he defended me in front of other people, and he built me up. I have never felt confused about how much he loves me or how beautiful he thinks I am.
- Persistence
If it were not for my husband’s persistence, we wouldn’t be together today. When talking about our relationship, especially the early years, I think of myself as the sea and my husband as a mountain. I have always been stormy, turbulent, and uncertain. He has always been steady, sure, and strong. His belief in us has never wavered, no matter how many storms and disagreements we’ve weathered.
I wish I could say the same for myself, but I really struggled with commitment. Especially when I was younger. I was absolutely terrified of tying myself down and ran for the door at every threat of conflict. I actually broke up with my husband at the beginning of our junior year of high school, after six months of dating, because he was so certain about me and I just didn’t know.
The way my husband loves me has taught me so much about the love of Christ. No matter how fickle my heart has been, no matter how far apart we’ve lived, no matter how many obstacles seemed to stand in the way of our relationship, he has loved me in the same steady sure way. It took me time to feel worthy of that love and even more to learn to reciprocate it, but it has been the greatest blessing of my life to rest in a relationship where I am constantly pursued.
- Generosity
This is another thing I took for granted in high school. My husband is one of the most generous men I have ever met, and this is especially important now that I’m a stay-at-home mom living solely off his income. But whether you’re an aspiring homemaker or a corporate girly, generosity is essential in a man. It doesn’t necessarily mean he always pays (though that is a good indicator). However, generosity is a virtue that exists outside of just finances.
Generosity at its core is a willingness to give, whether that’s time, affection, money, or compliments. A generous man gives freely out of love. It doesn’t really matter what it is that he’s giving as long as he gives without you having to ask constantly.
My first encounter with my husband’s generosity was my sixteenth birthday. He surprised me with a beautiful necklace I wasn’t expecting and didn’t know how to receive. Another of my favorite memories is the time he drove from his college to mine (a two hour drive) to surprise me with flowers and a charcuterie board on Valentine’s Day. A way he was generous yesterday is watching Little House on the Prairie, even though it’s not his cup of tea.
- Consistency
I want to reiterate what I said at the beginning of this post. Love gives certainty. One of my favorite things about my husband is that he always is who he says he is. If he says he will take care of something, he takes care of it. He isn’t romantic some days and cold and unfeeling on others. I know exactly who he is and what to expect. He keeps his promises.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how important consistency is in all relationships, be they romantic or otherwise. It’s important to know that the people you care about have your back, that they won’t have a bad day and take it out on you, that they won’t wake up one day and decide you aren’t worth their time. This is even more important with a spouse.
I knew my husband was the one because he constantly showed me that I could depend on him, that he loved me no matter how rough the waters got, that he would never take out his frustration after a tough day on me.
Maybe at some point, I’ll write out our entire turbulent high school (and college) love affair. But for the time being, I hope these are some helpful ways to think about choosing your person. Two years ago, I said “I do” and today we’re parents to a beautiful baby boy. Life happens fast and it’s important to have the right person by your side.
That’s all for now! Lots of love!
Verily,
Kyrie
