How I Went From ‘One of the Boys’ to Living My Most Feminine Life

My Feminine Transformation: From Bruh Girl to the Woman I Am Today

A feminine transformation feels like a sensitive thing to write about because “feminine” is such a loaded word. What is feminine? What isn’t? Why was I not feminine in the first place? Why am I more feminine now? The truth of the matter is every woman is on her own kind of feminine journey. I don’t want to attack the journeys other women are on by telling my own story. But this is my story, and I hope it can inspire girls like me to tap into that gentler, softer side of themselves.

Wrestling with Femininity from a Young Age

When I was in first grade, I decided to dislike the color pink. I remember this moment vividly because up until that point my favorite colors were, in order, purple and pink. But one day, as I was getting ready for school, I decided that pink was for girly girls, and I was absolutely not, under any conditions, a girly girl. So my second favorite color from that moment forward was blue.

I knew for certain I wasn’t a girly girl, but I felt uncomfortable labeling myself as a tomboy because I did connect with some girly things. I loved ponies, played with Barbies, danced ballet, and even though I claimed to dislike the color pink, I owned many pink shirts. I decided I was a “tom girl”—not quite a girly girl, not quite a tomboy, but a category all my own.

Becoming One of the Boys: My Outdoor Adventures

For most of my life, I have continued this odd dance of embracing my femininity in small, hidden ways while simultaneously tossing it in the garbage can. Growing up, my family was active in Boy Scouts because of my dad and older brother, but I had to be part of Girl Scouts, which I hated. At Boy Scout camp, we slept in tents, shot BB guns, and made rockets. At Girl Scout camp, we slept in air-conditioned cabins and made crafts. When I was in third grade, my Girl Scout troop organized a campout, but because the cabins were full, everyone left at night rather than stay in a tent. Everyone except me, my mom, my sister, and our best friend. As a grown woman I’m not going to make the case that one is better than the other, but as a little girl I had a strong preference for what felt more adventurous.

When I was fourteen, I joined Venturing—a coed branch of Boy Scouts before Boy Scouts became coed—and I finally felt at home. I got to do all the things I dreamed of doing and I left Girl Scouts in the dust. In Venturing, I became a lifeguard at my local Boy Scout camp, the first female leader of our summer leadership training, and even the first girl to lead our summer camp staff. I was even interviewed by the local paper, and mothers would call the Boy Scout office saying they were inspired to put their daughters into Venturing because of my story.

I always felt like it was easier for me to get along with guys and I’d regurgitate the classic “girls are too catty” line whenever someone asked me why. Call me a pick me girl if you want. I always felt like a square peg in a round hole in school, but when I was at my local Boy Scout camp, I was home. I didn’t wear makeup or do my hair or care about the clothes I wore. Instead, I learned how to shoot, fish, backpack, canoe, sail, and survive in the outdoors. I had never felt so raw and real. I had never felt so beautiful. There is something about authenticity that is so inherently attractive, and I never felt more authentic growing up than I did when I was in the outdoors.

In middle school and high school, I didn’t feel beautiful. I didn’t know how to style my hair. I couldn’t use eyeliner to save my life. My fashion sense was made up of random things I found at TJ Maxx, Ross, and Walmart. The boys I liked didn’t like me back because they liked other, prettier girls. I never felt girl enough.

Joining the Corps of Cadets: Running From My Femininity

This persisted into college where I joined the Corps of Cadets. It feels so weird to talk to my current friends about this part of my life because I feel like I have changed so much since then. But joining the Corps was the culmination of my journey to become one of the boys. I did push-ups, ran every morning, slicked back my hair into a tight bun, and made myself stiff and sharp and cold. I became as strong as possible, and at my peak, I could run a mile in just under eight minutes. We’re talking like 7:58, but hey, it happened! 🙂

I don’t want what I’m about to say here to sound ungrateful because I met a lot of amazing people during my time in the Corps and I have a lot of respect for it as one of Texas A&M’s oldest institutions. I don’t think I’d be the woman I am today without the memories I made and the people who helped me along the way. But some of my experiences in the Corps were painful, and I don’t look back on all of it fondly. I’m still trying to sort out if I would recommend it to girls coming after me and there’s a lot of healing I’m trying to do from that part of my life. I also don’t want to generalize and say every woman who pursues an experience like this is running from her femininity, because I knew many beautiful and feminine women in the Corps. But the thing is I was running. I couldn’t lose the soft parts of my soul quick enough.

And the crazy thing is it still wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough for the people around me, who measured my abilities against those of a typical male cadet, and it wasn’t enough for me. Every single year I got passed up for leadership positions and every single year I worked harder and harder to prove that I was that girl, to prove that I could run faster, yell louder, be stronger. But I was never what they wanted and the more I chased those things the less I felt like who I wanted to be. I was too soft to be cold and too stiff to be delicate. Slowly, I watched the girls closest to me drop out or graduate until I truly felt like the only woman in a sea of men.

The Turning Point: Rediscovering My Feminine Side

When the pandemic hit halfway through my junior year, I made a huge decision. I switched units in the Corps, which was like switching families. This is one of the decisions that completely changed the trajectory of my college experience in both good ways and bad. It sounds silly, but there are people who never spoke to me again. While I wish things didn’t turn out like this, I’m glad I did it because it gave me a chance to decide what kind of woman I wanted to be.

During those months of remote learning at home, I remade myself. I decided I didn’t want to be one of the boys anymore, and I haven’t been one of the boys since. I studied beauty, fashion, and etiquette, trying things I had never done before. I wore dresses and skirts and heels constantly. I let my boyfriend open doors for me and I started cultivating female friendships, something I had mostly neglected during my time in college.

Embracing My Feminine Transformation

I want to write another post about tangible ways I became more feminine because I loved reading those lists when I started this journey. But my goal here is to show you that the journey happened. Some girls know how to style their clothes and do their hair from the moment they turn thirteen. Some of us don’t figure it out until our twenties, and some of us are still figuring it out. I cannot operate a curling iron to this day and I still don’t know how to blend bronzer. But I’m okay with that. Maybe one day I’ll get there.

I have pruned the parts of myself that are harsh, aggressive, and sharp. I have rounded out my edges to become softer, gentler, and more peaceful. Not because anybody told me I had to but because I wanted to feel comfortable in my own skin and I finally do. My feminine journey isn’t about becoming some other woman. It’s about no longer suppressing the woman I naturally want to be. I’m not afraid of the color pink anymore, and I don’t care if people think my flowy dresses are too much. This is my feminine transformation and I’ve never been happier.

This is my story. I’d love to hear about your feminine journey too in the comments below.